Big Baby Leaps

Ah! This is embarrassing. I totally forgot I had a blog! I thought I had deleted it. Since I haven't after all, why not write a little entry? I have already finished a whole semester at school since I last blogged (whoops) and am a month into my next. That first semester...uh...did not have many breakthroughs. I had I think one class where I sat by one person consistently. Oh wait! Make that two. That means it wasn't a total social failure, but, I don't really think I improved at all from my previous semesters. All the other classes I was sort of a loner in : ). That's the problem with college. It's so easy and delightful to be a loner! You just sit in the middle. People feel awkward walking all the way to the middle to sit by you so you get to sit by yourself and avoid the stresses of human interaction *bliss*. And, with the big class sizes, there is little incentive to make friends because they don't really do group projects or presentations. The semester I'm in right now has been a little different. I'm getting into my major classes now. That means smaller classes and more opportunities for the teachers to put us in groups. This semester, there is not a single class that I don't have someone to talk to in. They keep throwing me into group after group for discussions and projects. At first, this was very stressful. I would panic about finding a group and then panic if I didn't feel like I was participating enough. When I have to talk to someone I always get worried about saying the wrong thing and offending them or get worried that they won't like me because I'm pretty odd to talk to. I think that's why, generally, I've been so quiet, some deep-seeded fear of rejection (I might also be thinking too deeply about this : ) If it was fear of rejection it was not a conscious thing. In high school, whenever I was expected to speak, I would have a mini heart attack and feel like some invisible hand was grabbing and squeezing my heart. I would not consciously think, "Oh no! What if they reject me!?" it would be more of "Ah! How can I possibly talk when I can hardly think because my body is so terrified!?") But, recently, *trumpets* I have had that problem much less! Woohoo! I've become more indifferent about what people think about me. I just talk and say what I think (well....okay, I talk MORE, but still much less than the average human I reckon). I'm pretty proud of myself because I have been downright social this semester in my opinion. The conversations are mostly awkward, but at least they're there!! That's progress if I've ever seen it! *pats self on back*

Soon

Maybe I should've waited a few days to start this blog, eh? It's summertime so I haven't had to face many social situations. Just church. Even my summer job wasn't too stressful; I was a full-time babysitter for a 3 month old and an eighteen month old. Kids aren't so scary. I thoroughly enjoyed playing with them all the time (though the days were loooong). Hmmm....I guess I do have some problems with my job that will help to illustrate my shyness some more. For example, two weeks ago was my last week with the older kid. His mother usually pays me at the end of every week, but that day she told me that her husband would bring my check by later. If he didn't show up I was supposed to text her and she would pay me. Well, he didn't show and I didn't text. I chickened out. Lost myself a week's worth of pay because initiating a text freaks me out. That's the sort of thing that I'm hoping to improve on this school year. And I'm hoping that this blog will help me with that. School starts in just a couple days. It's Friday and I have to go to school next Monday. Wish me lots of luck! I'm so scared *shiver*. It's going to be my second year of college and college is scarier than high school in some ways (like every semester you have to meet a new group of people), but also better in some ways (like, there's actually less pressure to make friends. Tons of people sit by themselves in class. Uh...not that I'm going to do that. :) ). Last year went very well, I "hung out" with people quite a few times, which is a good start. The problem is that, when I hung out, I hardly spoke at all. A word or two when asked direct questions is all and that simply won't do. This year, it's time to strike up my own conversations. Make friends. Participate in group projects. Those are the main goals. Oh! And never run away from something because I'm scared of it. So...come Monday, I'll have more exciting things to write in you blog - bye!

Bravery

This blog is going to be about my slow and steady battle with shyness. I'll write about all the scary social situations I face and how well I do in my showdowns against them. Even starting this blog is really hard for me. Knowing that other people will be able to read it scratches against the shy barrier in my mind and makes me all nervous, but *grin* I don't intend to tell anyone I know about it and I doubt too many strangers will start reading, so it doesn't matter too much. And I'm feeling glad that I've even found the guts to start it. One small step for average citizens, one giant leap for shy-kind. That's how I feel about most things. All the things that are easy for other people are just terrifying to me. Carrying on a conversation with a stranger is difficult. Starting one is nigh-on impossible. Finding a spot to sit in class is terrifying. Having to peer edit papers/ have mine edited freaks me out. Group projects and speeches are literally my worst nightmares. I like to think that all of these somewhat irrational fears that I have to face everyday add up to make me a very brave person. I have to face a fear every single day, because I have so many. Just today, I had to go to church by myself (Aaah!), sit next to a stranger (Eek!), find a seat in a classroom (*fear*), carry on a conversation (you get the drift :) ) and even more stuff. Even pulling out of the busy parking lot in my car was scary. So I have all these fears that I had to face...and face them I did! I like to think that because I have so many fears, I have a lot of courage as well. Doesn't more fear equal more courage? I don't really know, but it makes me feel better to think so :). So, hopefully, by the time I stop writing in this blog, I will have been able to face and overcome many of my fears. Wish me luck!