Big Baby Leaps

Ah! This is embarrassing. I totally forgot I had a blog! I thought I had deleted it. Since I haven't after all, why not write a little entry? I have already finished a whole semester at school since I last blogged (whoops) and am a month into my next. That first semester...uh...did not have many breakthroughs. I had I think one class where I sat by one person consistently. Oh wait! Make that two. That means it wasn't a total social failure, but, I don't really think I improved at all from my previous semesters. All the other classes I was sort of a loner in : ). That's the problem with college. It's so easy and delightful to be a loner! You just sit in the middle. People feel awkward walking all the way to the middle to sit by you so you get to sit by yourself and avoid the stresses of human interaction *bliss*. And, with the big class sizes, there is little incentive to make friends because they don't really do group projects or presentations. The semester I'm in right now has been a little different. I'm getting into my major classes now. That means smaller classes and more opportunities for the teachers to put us in groups. This semester, there is not a single class that I don't have someone to talk to in. They keep throwing me into group after group for discussions and projects. At first, this was very stressful. I would panic about finding a group and then panic if I didn't feel like I was participating enough. When I have to talk to someone I always get worried about saying the wrong thing and offending them or get worried that they won't like me because I'm pretty odd to talk to. I think that's why, generally, I've been so quiet, some deep-seeded fear of rejection (I might also be thinking too deeply about this : ) If it was fear of rejection it was not a conscious thing. In high school, whenever I was expected to speak, I would have a mini heart attack and feel like some invisible hand was grabbing and squeezing my heart. I would not consciously think, "Oh no! What if they reject me!?" it would be more of "Ah! How can I possibly talk when I can hardly think because my body is so terrified!?") But, recently, *trumpets* I have had that problem much less! Woohoo! I've become more indifferent about what people think about me. I just talk and say what I think (well....okay, I talk MORE, but still much less than the average human I reckon). I'm pretty proud of myself because I have been downright social this semester in my opinion. The conversations are mostly awkward, but at least they're there!! That's progress if I've ever seen it! *pats self on back*